Let's be honest....

Children are wonderfully, beautifully, BRUTALLY honest.

So I'm student teaching and this semester I'm working with kindergarteners. I was teaching a lesson in a different classroom than I normally work in so the teacher in that class could work on assessments. While I was walking around the classroom there was one section where the tables were really close and the students were sitting on the edges of their chairs making it impossible to pass through (adult or child). I told the students to move their chairs in and I made the comment that my bottom was too big to fit through. One student looked at me and said, "That's because you're really fat." It wasn't meant to be mean, it was just stating the obvious. As a side note, there IS a student in that class that would have said it to be mean but this wasn't that student. I had sent him to the office earlier by accidentally stabbing him near his eye. He's ok and that's another story.

Yes, in our American culture it was very rude of him to say that, but it is the truth and it is not something I don't already know. In some cultures it's no big deal to comment on someone's size. When I was in the Peace Corps in the Republic of Kiribati (in the middle of the Pacific Ocean--it's ok, no one ever knows where it is when I tell them) I weighed only about 20-25lbs more than I do right now when I started. The most common comment and question was, "Wow, you're really big!" and "Why are you so fat?" They weren't used to seeing larger sized Peace Corps girls I guess and it's not rude to make such comments in that culture. My host family was so excited to be getting the "big girl" but they weren't sure the chair they had built me would work because I was so big. It worked just fine. They also made me change my mosquito net from a single person to a double person because they felt it was too small for someone as big as me and that it was keeping me from sleeping well. The truth was that a single size was fine it was the repressive equatorial heat without air conditioning and sleeping on something the equivalent of a bumpy hardwood floor that was keeping me up.

Luckily I can take these things with a grain of salt. I realize that what was said was fact and not meant to hurt me. Kids are just really really honest and other cultures are just different.

Still, the truth hurts and I need to do something about it.

The Idea

Next summer I want to wear a swimsuit... in public.... and feel comfortable and not self conscious.

I think I might post that every time to remind myself. :)

So the idea is that I start this post to kinda make myself accountable and give me somewhere to report. At this point I'm not really sure how many times I can commit to posting but I hope to post at least once a week, ideally a couple times a week. I need to make a more detailed plan (that's why I called this post "The Idea" and not the plan) but right now I'm finishing up an online class and starting new classes so I haven't taken the time this needs. I don't think I mentioned this before, but I'm student teaching right now and taking the classes I need to earn my teaching credential. 

But see, that's the thing, there is ALWAYS something. ALWAYS. I keep lying to myself and saying, "Ok, next week it will be easier to start," "Once I finish x, y, and z, then I'll be able to do it," but something always comes up. I just need to suck it up and make that leap. 

I'm not sure what exactly I'm going to do. Don't confuse this with me not know what I need to do. I HATE it when people just keep telling me how to be healthy-- I know how, really I do. I've read so many articles and heard so many things and I know it might not seem like it, but I've actually been there and done that. I know what it takes, it's just getting myself to do it and finding out what works best for me at this time. Ever notice that? My sister and have talked about this, how you can do a diet and it works great but then you try to do it again and it doesn't work. My sister is convinced that your body learns and the second time it won't fall for that trick. She might be on to something. :) 

The big basic outline is I'm going to eat healthier-- meaning WAY less sugars, more veggies, more water- aiming for 75-125oz a day, walk more- aiming for 10,000 steps a day, and work out a few times a week. I'm going to try to ride my bike to school on Tuesday and Wednesday and hopefully workout on campus on Thursdays and possibly Fridays. I'm also going to work on giving up soda.... again. That's the basic outline for physical health improvement. 

The basic outline for psychological health---- hmmmmm..... This is the trickier part and the most important part. I guess this is an area that I'm not as educated on. I think a lot of us are not. It's so common and accepted to talk negatively about ourselves that people think you're being stuck up if you say something positive about yourself. So the outline is I'm going to try to stop all that negative self talk, learn to take a compliment and focus on finding things I like about myself. Things that I don't like that I can change I'm going to try to change. 

Next week I'll let you know how things go. 

The back story

Let me tell you a little about this blog and a little about me. So here we go.

I wanted to start this blog as a way to motivate me, perhaps a way to hold myself accountable, to give me some structure to guide me to my goal. What's my goal? It's basically the same goal millions of women make (and have made) every year for years and years and very few women actually reach.

Next summer I want to wear a swimsuit... in public.... and feel comfortable and not self conscious. 

Now I want to be realistic about this. First off-- there is NO WAY I will ever wear a bikini. My body has been far too damaged from my obesity to ever look good in one and I would never be comfortable in one. In fact, I'm pretty sure this is the only time in my life I have ever worn a bikini-- and it's the only time you will see me in one.

But a tankini... that I think I can manage, but I'll probably have to have some kind of board shorts. It's really better for everyone that way. I'm gonna leave that, but that's the kind of negative talk I need to change... which brings me to the other part of my goal. The first part being that I want to lose weight and tone my body but in order to feel comfortable in a swimsuit I will need to address the emotional side of things.

A few years back I was at Mudfest in Korea and we saw a rather large woman in a bikini. After this women had passed us my friend sarcastically said, "I wish I had her confidence." The truth is, I really DO wish I had her confidence. My body will NEVER be perfect. I need to learn to accept that and be ok with what I have. I want to work on focusing on the positive things and stop all the negative thoughts and all the self-hate talk. I get annoyed when I'm with some people that are CONSTANTLY pointing out things they don't like about themselves and it doesn't matter how much I try to tell them that it isn't that bad or that I didn't even notice that, they don't believe me and don't listen. It's very frustrating and I don't like being around it. I realized that I do that a lot and I bet there are people that are just sick and tired of being around me because of it.

I have been overweight my whole life. I've always been bigger then other girls my age. After I graduated high school in Idaho and then moved to Kentucky I ballooned to obese. I spent several years being rather active but still very obese. I always felt like my body didn't match my personality. When I was 30 years old I went to Mexico and had gastric by-pass surgery. I lost a lot of weight-- about 115lbs at my lightest. I felt more like myself than I ever had. I still wanted to lose about 10-15 lbs more- I still wasn't totally happy. Even at my lightest I was a size 12, occasionally a 10 depending on the clothes.

By this time I was living in Seoul. It was MUCH easier to maintain my weight there. My access to bad food wasn't as easy. I was teaching all day so I was up and walking around and not able to snack all day like you do when you sit at a desk. SOOOOOO much more walking and stairs period. That's just how life is in a big city like Seoul.

But surgery is a tool, not a fix. I stayed in Seoul for 3.5 years and by the end it was getting more difficult to keep the weight down. I would say that during my time there my weight was constantly up and down a 15lb range. I was still trying to diet and get rid of more. I traveled a bit and then moved home to the US.

To sum things up (this is getting WAY longer than I meant it to be) I was depressed about being back here, not really knowing what to do with my life. I worked some temp desk type jobs for a year, had to get a car- no more walking everywhere because US public transport sucks, even in big metro areas like the Bay, and I ATE! I ate a very unhealthy diet that consisted of Coke and chocolate- almost exclusively. That is how I deal with stress and depression. I have gained an impressive amount of weight-- somewhere around 80-90lbs in the little over a year that I've been back.

I am at a weight I thought I would never be at again. Now it is time to do something about it.

more on the plan next time.... this is already far too long. :)