I wanted to start this blog as a way to motivate me, perhaps a way to hold myself accountable, to give me some structure to guide me to my goal. What's my goal? It's basically the same goal millions of women make (and have made) every year for years and years and very few women actually reach.
Next summer I want to wear a swimsuit... in public.... and feel comfortable and not self conscious.
Now I want to be realistic about this. First off-- there is NO WAY I will ever wear a bikini. My body has been far too damaged from my obesity to ever look good in one and I would never be comfortable in one. In fact, I'm pretty sure this is the only time in my life I have ever worn a bikini-- and it's the only time you will see me in one.
A few years back I was at Mudfest in Korea and we saw a rather large woman in a bikini. After this women had passed us my friend sarcastically said, "I wish I had her confidence." The truth is, I really DO wish I had her confidence. My body will NEVER be perfect. I need to learn to accept that and be ok with what I have. I want to work on focusing on the positive things and stop all the negative thoughts and all the self-hate talk. I get annoyed when I'm with some people that are CONSTANTLY pointing out things they don't like about themselves and it doesn't matter how much I try to tell them that it isn't that bad or that I didn't even notice that, they don't believe me and don't listen. It's very frustrating and I don't like being around it. I realized that I do that a lot and I bet there are people that are just sick and tired of being around me because of it.
I have been overweight my whole life. I've always been bigger then other girls my age. After I graduated high school in Idaho and then moved to Kentucky I ballooned to obese. I spent several years being rather active but still very obese. I always felt like my body didn't match my personality. When I was 30 years old I went to Mexico and had gastric by-pass surgery. I lost a lot of weight-- about 115lbs at my lightest. I felt more like myself than I ever had. I still wanted to lose about 10-15 lbs more- I still wasn't totally happy. Even at my lightest I was a size 12, occasionally a 10 depending on the clothes.
By this time I was living in Seoul. It was MUCH easier to maintain my weight there. My access to bad food wasn't as easy. I was teaching all day so I was up and walking around and not able to snack all day like you do when you sit at a desk. SOOOOOO much more walking and stairs period. That's just how life is in a big city like Seoul.
But surgery is a tool, not a fix. I stayed in Seoul for 3.5 years and by the end it was getting more difficult to keep the weight down. I would say that during my time there my weight was constantly up and down a 15lb range. I was still trying to diet and get rid of more. I traveled a bit and then moved home to the US.
To sum things up (this is getting WAY longer than I meant it to be) I was depressed about being back here, not really knowing what to do with my life. I worked some temp desk type jobs for a year, had to get a car- no more walking everywhere because US public transport sucks, even in big metro areas like the Bay, and I ATE! I ate a very unhealthy diet that consisted of Coke and chocolate- almost exclusively. That is how I deal with stress and depression. I have gained an impressive amount of weight-- somewhere around 80-90lbs in the little over a year that I've been back.
I am at a weight I thought I would never be at again. Now it is time to do something about it.
more on the plan next time.... this is already far too long. :)
